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REALITY BITES: Can Our Elly hang on for another week on The Bachelor?

Welcome to our recap of last week’s The Bachelor starring Matt who is still fielding questions about whether he actually had sex in the mansion. You know…..with a contestant.

This episode opens with all the trappings of a baby shower. Abbie panics and Emma self impregnates.

Back at the mansion, two successful Bachelor couples arrive to help Matt make his choice. We welcome Sam and Snezana, and Matty J and Laura. As previously noted, I don’t watch The Bachelor so have to take Matt’s word.

They’re Bachelor royalty. Oh, and they’re both pregnant, thus the baby shower theme.

The pregnant ladies head off to taunt Emma with their baby bumps while the boys all sit around shooting the breeze and talking about chicks. Matt wants them to choose his dinner date so after a round of gruelling interviews, Helena is the chosen one.

Matt seems a bit stunned and shifts uncomfortably but after a producer whispers in his ear ‘watch out for Plan C, D and E, MATTHEW!’, our Bachelor finds his happy place and goes along with it all.

Helena wanders back with a rose after promising she’ll be more open with Matt.

Emma’s snags a single date with Matt and they’re off to make chocolate.

Oh yes please!

Cue lots of sexy talk and double entendre as it becomes painfully obvious that poor Matt is hanging for a shag. I laugh as I wonder what would’ve happened if Abbie had been on this date, rather than Emma.

Matt’s glasses wouldn’t have just steamed up, they would’ve cracked!

Emma has grown on me, seems lovely but I see very little chemistry. She gets a rose so she’s a very happy girl and really, who cares what I think.

Osher brings out two dates cards and rather than them being allocated as usual, the ladies must sort out who gets a card.

This is some cruel producer-led, drama-causing bullshit. And it is marvellous in our eyes!

Sogand pushes everyone over as she dives for her card. Our Elly also manages to grab one. But wait…

Abbie gives Our Elly a big sob story about how she has something important to tell Matt. On and on she goes. We feel Our Elly caving in and falling for Abbie’s lies.

And sure enough, she hands over the date card to Abbie who can barely conceal her glee. Our Elly later tells the cameras’ I feel like a bloody idiot’

Um yeah, you are Our Elly.

Abbie gives Our Elly a big sob story about how she has something important to tell Matt. On and on she goes. We feel Our Elly caving in and falling for Abbie’s lies.

Sogand tells Matt she’s always had feelings for him. Matt responds with ‘I wish you’d spoken up sooner’.

Uh oh. Buh bye Sogand

Abbie gets her date and goes a bit silly. She rattles on about the cheese board and raspberries. We roll our eyes and wonder if Abbie has fallen and hit her head. She proves put point that if she can’t be hypersexual, she’s got nothing.

But Matt’s penis fancies Abbie so she gets a rose and this week, Sogand goes home.

The next episode opens with a single date with Helena. Matt wants to map out their next 10 years together and Helena starts to hyperventilate and stalks off set.

She’s talked off her ledge and comes back for the night date which is drinking champagne in an outdoor bath in front of a giant moon

And no, I’m not kidding.

Helena talks about her feelings, Matt’s happy. Well, he actually says, I’m over the moon’ and then he winks.

Duuuuuuuuuuude! We all cringe.

The group date is painting with a Drag Queen. Abbie sits next to Matt and flirts while Chelsie gets all flustered and upset and is eventually dragged aside for some one on one Drag Queen counselling.

Our gorgeous Drag Queen throws glitter over Chelsie and she returns to finish a painting that now rivals the Mona Lisa. She wins a rose and a single date as we fret yet again for Our Elly.

At the cocktail party, Our Elly has had enough and says she wants Matt first. Abbie ignores her and spirits Matt away so she can bat her eyelashes and seduce him.

But Our Elly has had enough, and she marches on in, throws Matt over her shoulder and steals him away for a chat.

She speaks up about Abbie. At long bloody last.

Go Our Elly!

Matt listens and says, ‘you’re not the first person to say that’.

The nation stands and cheers.

Has Matt finally come to his senses?

Has he heard it from enough different people that he will grow a pair and send Abbie away?

We cross our fingers, hold our breath and wait.

But Matt’s penis has the final say and Abbie stays.

With rumours swirling that Our Elly is the next to go home. I’m not sure how much more enthusiasm I can actually muster for this bloke.

I think back to the moment I had to choose between recapping Survivor and The Bachelor and sigh.

The Bachelor Australia continues on Wednesday at 7.30 on Ten.

Written by Sue Ellen

Copywriter. Writer. Reviewer. Coffee addict. Handbag tragic. Conspiracy tin hatter. Drama Queen.