Wedding season is once again upon us and unless you’re the bride (or the groom I guess) or any combination of the two you probably couldn’t care less. No one really enjoys being invited to a wedding, quite frankly the majority of us see it as a bit of an inconvenience really, or so my friend tells me who just got invited to two weddings in succession. So here’s (yet another) sarcastic guide to help you be all you can be at the next nuptials you attend. Don’t want to be invited to a wedding ever again? Follow this handy dandy guide and all your dreams will come true. (Or if you want to actually be a decent human and realise just how wonderful weddings and true love or whatever can be, maybe just do the opposite of everything I say? OK? Kewl, glad we got there).
This is a very important first step. Who wants to RSVP let alone RSVP on time? That sounds dumb and inconvenient for everyone involved. Also, save the date cards sound like a waste of paper and a waste of fridge space. Where else are you meant to keep last year’s calendar or all of your overdue parking fines. There’s no time and no room so just disregard immediately. Also, it’s got to be a soft date right? That’s how it works with Facebook events? You can just rock up and hope for the best. Duh.
BYO Whiskey (or gin, or vodka or…)
Because it’s not like there will be a bar there or anything It’s not like dranks will be served on the reg and the whole god damn point of a wedding is to get as loaded as possible, as quickly as possible. I mean, you didn’t get all dressed up for nothing right? So shots, always, forever. Take some vodka in a glad bag, or level up if you have one of those vacuum sealer things you can pack them into your shoes, or your bra, or wherever, leak free baby. Which leads me to my next point…
Remember that the hospo staff working the wedding are not people and are there to serve you and you alone.
Everyone knows hospitality staff have no hopes and dreams of their own. They were born to serve you, to make you happy, to make your hopes and dreams come true. They aren’t studying, or working five other jobs to make ends meet, or even working towards being a passionate and very talented bartender. They love walking around in outfits they’ve been forced to wear on a Saturday night, something like scratchy kmart pants and a bowtie probably. They also definitely wouldn’t rather be at home watching Mcleod’s Daughters eating uber-eats ice cream with bae. Nup, no way. All hospo workers want to make someone else’s wedding the best flipping night of your life. Be sure to yell at them, click at them, hell even grab them on their way past to remind them of such a thing.
Wear White/The Same Suite (and or colour scheme) as the bridal party
This is really important. How dare the bridal party think they can upstage you on their special day. It’s their special day after all which means of course it’s all about you. Make sure to wear a white dress (regardless of gender) or even better find out the colour scheme of the bridal party and dress accordingly. Be flamboyant. Be proud. You do you (better than any bride or groom could).
Propose to your significant other
What better time to make a grand gesture than during the grandest of all grand gestures. How memorable would the wedding be without something that’s actually memorable happening in between. Prime time would obviously be during the speeches. You know where everyone is banging on about how much the bride and groom love each other, and how special they are to one another and how unique their love story is. Boring. Aint nobody got time for that. If you’re already engaged, just announce you’re pregnant, that’ll do it.
Hit on the Bride/groom/Mother of the Bride
I mean it’s not official until they’ve signed the paperwork right? Even then, divorce is a thing and annulment is there for a reason, obvs. Why not have yourself a little Shrek moment and run in screaming I OBJECT! This works best if you weren’t invited to the wedding at all, and you’re just some rando who worked with the bride that one time and fell head over heels. She knows, don’t worry. And will obviously leave her husband and or wife behind to run away with you. #speaknow #goodenoughfortswiftgoodenoughforyou