Christmas, it’s the most wonderful time of the year right? If like me, you fear tinsel and awkward small talk with distant relatives then this one goes out to you. Outlined below is a couple of handy hints to guide you through the ‘silly season’, ensuring that you emerge just as introverted and sarcastic as you were before the big man came to town.
Tip 1. Alcohol is Your Best Friend
There’s nothing that says ‘I love Christmas’ more than drinking a bottle of almond milk baileys and passing out on your parent’s veranda. Alcohol has been known to act as social lubricant, so why not take advantage of chance to glide your way on through all of the monotonous chat that awaits you. If your great aunt isn’t asking you what you’re doing with your arts degree three shandy’s deep, then are you even at a family gathering?
Tip 2. Conflict, much like Chicken Soup, is Great for the Soul
Have your parents expressed their disdain with the legalisation of same sex marriage? Do your grandparents also ask you how you’d like your steak cooked, knowing full well that you’re a devout vegan? Well, let me tell you, the best way to move past these issues is to argue about them as much as possible. There’s nothing like a good yearly grievance hash-out. Extra points if you can bring up the turbulent Australian political climate with your conservative parents.
Tip 3. Be Your Best Self
There’s nothing like a fresh tattoo to get the rellies whispering, so why not fit in three laborious ink sessions the week before Christmas? I don’t know about you, but I really enjoy being told that I’ve ruined my future job prospects; it’s like the confidence boost you never knew you needed. Looking at shaving all of your hair off and bleaching it within an inch of its life? You go gurl. Grandma will be so proud.
Tip 4. Spread the Love Around
If like me, you tend to veer towards the ‘children are soul sucking monsters’ end of the clucky scale, then never fear, because all of your smaller cousins are here to remind you to love be nice to tolerate small humans. Make sure you’ve prepared yourself for the parade of endless forced hugs and ‘sincere’ interactions with your aunties pride and joy. Forget about that book you’ve been dying to read; little cousin Tommy has requested your undivided attention. I think he’s trying to tie his shoes or something, but by gosh, what a milestone. Aren’t kids the best?
Tip 5. Take Control of the Christmas Soundtrack
Who doesn’t love a good Christmas album? I mean, Little Drummer Boy has got to be up there as one of the greatest songs ever produced. If you’re not prepared to hear it (along with the plethora of other ‘great’ Christmas carols) played at least ten times throughout the course of a day, then maybe you should bring along your own festive mix. Personally, I think that my country loving family would really enjoy Danny Brown pumping through the stereo. There’s really nothing that compares to a little music-induced tension amongst loved ones.
Now that you’ve learnt all of the essentials of a loving, cooperative family festive season, go forth and celebrate this most wonderful time of the year.
Serving suggestion for Christmas Day: one bottle of expensive whiskey.
AUTHOR: Bree Smith
Bree is a Newcastle import who survives off British television and hummus. She spends the majority of her time chasing bands up and down the east coast or lost in a wormhole of related artists on Spotify. Christmas is clearly her favourite time of the year.