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BAH HUMBUG: Top five ways to be a total Scrooge this Christmas

For real though. You, my friend, are not the centre of the universe, and therefore need to remember that not only do other people exist but your actions directly influence whether or not you are in fact a good person.

Especially during the festive season.

So, want to find out if you’ve been naughty or nice? Well if you can say you’ve committed any of the following festive faux pas, you might want to start preparing to receive a lump of coal come December 25.

1. Being awful to retail workers

We get it, you waited until Christmas eve to get that special someone the gift that you promised them so long ago but you left it until 6pm on Christmas eve and they’ve all sold out?

Sure, it’s not your fault for being disorganised, it’s the poor 16-year-old retail worker… You fool.

2. Be awful to hospitality staff

Oh yeah, you worked hard for a whole three hours today so you deserve this drink after work.

You don’t want to wait for it though, despite the complexity of the cocktail, you want it immediately. Like yesterday immediately.

Ways to get said cocktail? Yell and refuse to pay. Right?

3. Refuse to buy local

Oh hot damn, that’s it. Grease the palms of the big boys and you’re well on your way to being a right dick this Christmas.

Never mind the small businesses, who are often struggling to keep their heads above retail water.

Serves them right really. 

4. Blow the budget of the family Secret Santa, then complain

Because you’re here to win and in order to be the best you must buy the best gift.

Because Michael Scott bought an iPod that time even though the Secret Santa Budget was $20.

Be the hero. 

5. Remember that Christmas is about receiving presents, not giving presents

Because the festive season is all about you.

And you alone. And the presents that you will receive.

The act of actually going out and buying presents for loved ones and, God forbid, colleagues, is merely a hindrance to your own enjoyment of the festive season, right?

Duh. 

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Written by Laura Kebby

I write words about talented people doing talented things, and translate chatter by putting pen to paper.