Oh yes, deck the halls, google exactly what mistletoe is, and pack your fun flask because it’s that time of year again.
Yes the time where you get all dressed up and stand around in a room full of people you’re forced to see all week and drink beer whilst your boss looks over your shoulder.
Happy Holidays and welcome to the season of Office Christmas parties. Whether it’s yours, or if you’re especially unlucky, your partners, here is a list of things that will firmly cement your place in the “bit of a dickhead” category. If you’re into emotional hangovers, and just generally have an overwhelming desire to be the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. Here are some red hot tips on just how to do so. *whispers… ‘sarcasm’*.
Disclaimer “bit of a dickehad” applies to all genders, there’s no need for discrimination.
- Not sure whether it’s an open bar or not? Pre-drink until you can barely stand up and then rock up to the venue. You’ll be a hit I promise.
- Hit on your boss.
- Hit on your bosses partner
- Make any sort of assumption that your boss wants you to hit on them. (This is not Love Actually)
- Buy mistletoe for this exact purpose.
- Wear a Christmas themed and outlandish costume even though the dress code is ‘smart casual’ (whatever that means’).
- Choose expensive cocktails so the bar tab runs out heaps quicker
- Talk about only work
- Seize the opportunity to ask for that raise you’ve always thought about asking for but never had the guts to do so. No time like the present!
- Be the very first to arrive
- Dance on a table
- Dance on a chair
- Convince other colleagues to dance on a table
- Sing Karaoke regardless of whether it is a Karaoke bar
- Quit your job during the Boss’ speech. (Again no time like the present!)
- Buy a sex toy for your Secret Santa present
- Dress up as Santa and make propositions that involve your lap
- Declare just how much you love the co-worker you see in the break room everyday. The same one who’s married, with two kids, and is also your bosses wife.
- Complain openly about all the free food and booze options you’re given on the night. Phrases like “What only 5 craft beer choices on tap? What is this?!” go down really really well.
- Post the whole thing to every single social media platform known to man. Even the ones not invented yet. People love being tagged in awkward, blurry, half drunk photos of themselves, forcibly mingling with people they don’t necessarily like.
- Take the time to have a brilliant DNM with someone from the office you’ve never met. Usually in the bathroom. Make sure you take a selfie and do a champagne glass clinking boomerang afterwards to mark the occasion.
- Never ever stop working. The room, the bar, your job. Bring your laptop and keep up with those expense reports. Who needs time off?
- Stuff your pockets full of canapés that you can snack on later
- Ask everyone in the party whether they have any gear. Make sure you refer to it strictly as gear, and ask everyone.
- And finally, always, always be the last one to leave.