How to achieve “bit of a dickhead status” when meeting your favourite artist

We’ve all been there, felt the hype of an amazing concert or show and then topped it off by actually meeting your favourite artist in the flesh. Time slows down, it’s all a blur and of course, emotions are running high.

I love it when artists take the time to meet their fans, sign some autographs and spend a tiny portion of their time getting to know the people who helped them get to where they are today. But there are a few things to remember.

I mean an artist meeting their fans after the show is more often than not, equal to you staying back at the office an extra hour or so, work is work. As fans, we can most definitely make this job a lot harder with just a few simple steps. So sit back, relax, and here are the steps to achieving “bit of a dickhead status” when meeting your favourite artist.

  1. Burst into the green room.

Number one hot tip. Don’t wait until they are ready to come out and meet you, just barge in like you own the place. You paid for a ticket after all, doesn’t this give you a right to invade any space you’d like? It also helps If you barge in and freeze and don’t say anything. The alternative of course, is sneaking backstage and stealing from the rider. You’ve got the time, they’ve got the cash, it’s all part of the gig right!?

  1. Cry, and simply be delightfully incoherent

As always these are gender neutral tips and I have seen many a grown man cry in front of their favourite artist. Blubbering and screaming also helps. You could also go the other way and simply say nothing and stare at them as though they are an object. Point, shout, do whatever, as long as it doesn’t involve directly interacting with the artist as a person, then you’re good to go.

  1. Invade their personal space

Don’t wait and treat them like the person they actually are, launch yourself at said artist and go in for the hug (or the kiss in some cases). This is probably my number one hot tip to achieve the coveted “bit of a dickhead”. Unsolicited contact OH YEAH! That’s what I’m (never ever ever) talking about.

  1. Get really angry and outraged that they would prefer to simply go back to the greenroom and wind down

The artist didn’t want to linger after the show? Outrage. What better way to express said outrage than to yell and scream at the back of a closed backstage door. Extra points for targeted swearing and profanities. Outrage, outrage, outrage!

  1. Hit on them

Because that’s what all artists want right? How else did the term groupie get coined? And make sure to completely disregard your own wife/husband/partner who is standing next to you whilst you do so. As always, the sleazier the better. Wink, finger gun hands, innuendo… BAM.

  1. Hit on their partner

As above. I mean, people love people who play guitar, but all of those people are usually taken by other wonderful people who play guitar. Don’t think you’ve got a chance with the star? Let’s make everyone upset by hitting on their partner instead. Everyone’s a winner.

  1. Ask them why they didn’t play “just the hits”

Because if anyone has the authority to critique their performance it’s you. The fan. You’re the frontline of their success and god dammit you’re going to let them have it. It’s even better if you take notes and then proceed to go through those notes with the artist just as they come off stage. NICE.

  1. Ask “so where are you headed later, wanna come back to my place I’ve got plenty of beer”.

If you’re here, you don’t even need to read the rest of the tips, you’ve got your status.

  1. Plead your case for why you’re their biggest fan

Because they have never met anyone like you. You have all their albums, even the cassette demo of the first track they did whilst they spend a summer abroad. Show them the numerous band tattoos you have just to prove your point. Get them to sign your arm, (in the middle of the set is worth extra points) and get their signature tattooed – obviously. You would only do this if you are indeed their biggest fan.

If all else fails, just re-enact the 19th of September 1979. That’ll show em.

Written by Laura Kebby

I write words about talented people doing talented things, and translate chatter by putting pen to paper.

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