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How to achieve bit of a dickead status with gift giving/ gift receiving.

Because what gift giving is all about, is actually YOU and how good YOU feel whilst doing it. Looking to round out the festive season as a bit of a dickead? Never fear. I gotchyou.

Always tell them how much it costs.

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Because you need them to know how much money you forked out on them purely so they can reciprocate in return OR you just want them to feel bad. Example “I spent $500 on that tablecloth Debra so you better appreciate this AND ME BY EXTENSION or else”. This is apparently popular with Mother’s in Law. Stereotype, yes. But whatever.

Compare their gift to yours

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Oh so they got you battery operated socks and you gave them the diamond from the Titanic. “Well baby I went down and got it for ya”, yeah oops you did it again. Make sure you let them know the price difference. If you’re stuck on specifics make sure you google it in front of them and talk loudly about the rising cost of living and the fact we live in Australia and battery operated socks are stupid.

Reply “Do you even know me” when opening the gift

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It doesn’t matter if this person put a lot of effort into getting you that gift, if you hate it, immediately send that person into a shame spiral and make them wish they never bothered. Example; “You should have known my favourite colour is Azure Linda not Brandeis Blue. And no they are NOT the same thing do you even KNOW ME?!”

Post your gift on the buy swap sell page and tag the person who gave you the gift for reference

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“For Sale, 1 x foot spa. Unwanted Christmas Present going cheap because it looks like a hunk of junk but I would have loved the cash. It’s 2017 who buys foot spas anymore. If you need anymore info on this nightmare of a gift please contact @ ‘insert gift giver here’.

Give a ‘joke’ gift knowing they will neither like the gift or use it.

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Heard someone say how much they hate Dungeons and Dragons? Buy them a how to book that includes the complete history and the implications for every day life. Buy them something they hate. Purely because you know how funny it will be when they open the wrapping and almost vomit. Better yet, buy someone a Coriander plant. This will achieve the same results.

Buy a gift for yourself disguised as a gift to someone else.

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Oh you’ve had your eye on that club set for ages but purchasing it for yourself blows out your entire Christmas Budget? Never fear, buy them anyway and gift them to someone closest to you. You’ll get them in a month anyway. Or better yet, just use them without telling them, and abuse them for not using them to start with. You snooze you LOSE.

Propose to the person you’ve only been with for two months. In front of their whole family.

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Oh yes. Haven’t discussed marriage yet? Only been dating for two weeks? Did you meet them on Tinder 5 minutes ago and already tell them that they are the love of your life and your world would crumble if they were not in it forever. Propose! And make sure you have the added pressures of their entire family watching on whilst you do. This really only works if you invite yourself to Christmas dinner. Because let’s face it, you met on the 23rd no one else is going to invite you.

Give self help books with highlighted sections outlining their ‘problem’ areas.

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Oh yeah my all time fav! Make sure you remind the person that you care about, just how little you actually care about their feelings by purchasing them a self help book that they did not ask for. Make sure you open it for them, and immediately point to the page you know they need to begin.

Written by Laura Kebby

I write words about talented people doing talented things, and translate chatter by putting pen to paper.

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