G’day kids, look outside your window. The sun is shining, the grass is green and ticket prices for summer festivals are now worth at least a solid years supply of smashed avocado on toast. You’ve saved up all of your pennies (RIP penalty rates) and now you’re off to the festival(s) of your choice to do everything and anything but listen to the artists you paid good money to see. So here are some tips, from me to you, on how to achieve the ever coveted status of “being a bit of a dick” this festival season. Ps. All of these tips come from personal experiences and are guaranteed to work. Further certified by resident festival goer and music writer Bree Smith.
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- Cause a ruckus on public transport because you have an excuse… You’re going to a festival baybay!!
- Drink so much before hand that by the time your much more sensible friends get to the gate you vomit on the hard(ly) working security guard and get your whole squad kicked out before you even set foot inside.
- As soon as an artist starts to play, shout: “just play the hits”.
- If you’re a bloke, take your muscle t shirt off by ripping it down the middle whilst yelling F***K YEAHHH THE BOOYYYSSSS
- Take a selfie with: “that guy who I think works for triple J but Im not sure hey, just thought I’d give it a crack anyway. He’d be stoked at the photo op”. Make sure to mention that you actually don’t know his name.
- Know that despite the artist saying “hey guys this is our last song,” proceed to chant: “one more song” excessively to the stage crew during pack down
- Be the hero that starts a chant of DJ Otis’ “Hey Baby” between sets. Bonus points for during the set.
- Throw things at the artist on stage when they are playing. They love it, their professional workspace being invaded by flying objects whilst they are trying to do their job that is. Don’t know what to do with that empty can? Peg at at the singer, sweeeeet.
- Rush the stage to try and yell into the mic. Your voice is what we are all here for.
- When making your way to the front always carry four full beers above your head (that are all for you because together they make one full strength lemonade) and be sure to spill them all over the crowd.
- Always remember: “Did you even go to the festival if it’s not on snapchat/insta/facebook”. Life is heaps better through a phone camera anywayyzzz.
- Loiter around the backstage area, artists LOVE that.
- Make your way to the front by saying “sorry I’m just trying to get to me mates… see they’re just…” even though your mates went home an hour ago because you already achieved dickhead status.
- See Dune Rats live
- See Skeggs live
- Crack open a cold one with the boys whilst you see Skeggs support Dune Rats Live.
- Do a shoey
- Do another shoey
- Talk about how great shoeys are
- Take a random strangers shoe off and do a shoey
- Ask anyone but Dune Rats to do a shoey
- Boo the artists for not doing a shoey
- Do another shoey
- Get on your mates shoulders whilst doing a shoey (but make sure someone gets the perfect photo of you or it didn’t happen).
- Yell out to the (fierce incredible amazing) female front woman “take your shirt off,” this earns you quadruple dickhead points. Ya dickhead.
- Stop every single gig photographer to get snapped just so you can prove how hectic you are in perfect HD.
- If you get cold, simply drink yourself a jacket, it works every single time.
- The only thing that will actually satisfy your thirst and need for any sort of hydration is overpriced RTDs and Mid strength beer. Water is for chumps.
- If you see someone with a microphone and a camera, awkwardly hover for an interview and then proceed to switch your gaze from staring directly into the camera to looking down the presenters top. Ya mum will love the footage.
- Even if it’s a slow song, proceed to start a pit. Everyone loves a pit, especially during a slow song. Pull random people into the pit because they love that too!
If you follow even one of these tips this festival season, you’re sure to earn the coveted status of “a bit of a dickhead” this festival season, which will stay with you for many years to come. Get ready to be reassured of said status by each and punter you come across during the day/night. It will be a hoot.