Back in 2015, as I watched the first instalment in the Fifty Shades franchise and then penned my review, I wondered to myself…. could an ‘erotic’ move be any less erotic and any more dull? Two years later I have my answer.
Yes. Yes it can. And that movie is the second instalment in the Fifty Shades franchise.
Ana (Johnson) has left Christian (Dornan) because he whipped her and rather than it being tantalising and arousing foreplay, it was a sound whipping and it hurt. This time, it was Christian who got off but as her got off on her pain and not her orgasms, Ana decided she was done and left.
Please, let’s not kid ourselves that she suddenly realised she was in an abusive, manipulative relationship and walked out. The big whip hurts. Simple.
So after she left, they took Christian somewhere, no doubt very expensive and discrete, clipped off his balls and sent him, some white roses and his oddly puffy face back into the fray to pursue and get Ana back.
Still with me? I don’t blame you if you have also walked away by now 😉
What follows is 17 2 hours of some sort of romantic drivel. It has a very defined start place but then kinda wafts along until BAM! It ends (personally I could not get out of there fast enough and I must apologise to the ladies I was seated near as I pushed past them to literally flee out the exit door)
Ana decides she will have Christian back but wants to take things slowly. She tells him she won’t do the kinky stuff. He promises all the kinky fuckery (oh come on, it’s so much fun to say!) is behind him. No more whips, no more satin ties, no more floggings and definitely no more red room.
Next minute, Ana decides she wants her some naked Christian and is carried off to bed. Cue the non kinky sex! But wait! Ana has changed her mind again and she DOES want some of that kinky fuckery after all. Just not the butt hurty stuff. No butt hurts for Miss Ana…
Kill me now!
The so called plot twists are laughable. Ana’s new found independence is just as humorous. Throw in a creepy boss who we must believe is the true villain here (boooooooooooo hisssssssssss for creepy Jack!) and that’s it.
Seriously. That. Is. All. There. Is.
If you are gonna go see this movie, and I know millions will, good luck to you. This movie is just two hour trailer for the ‘thrilling’ finale that adds little but a few sex scenes and …. Oh sorry, that’s all.
One pretty clever moment. For you movie buffs, be on the lookout for a few lines from a classic/cult 80’s comedy starring Dakota’s real life mother, Melanie Griffith. See, something nice to say.
Fifty Shades Darker
Same as the first one…. 1 ½ stars
Director : James Foley
Starring : Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson, Kim Basinger, Bella Heathcote, Eric Johnson, Eloise Mumford, Rita Ora, Luke Grimes, Victor Rasuk, Max Martini, Marcia Gay Harden
Running Time : 118 minute
Release Date : In Cinemas Now
If it's on in Newcastle, it's on Newcastle Live